DEAR MAN

Asking for what you need, or saying no, can feel risky, especially if you fear conflict or rejection. DEAR MAN is DBT's structure for these conversations. It comes from the Interpersonal Effectiveness module and focuses on getting your objective met while staying respectful.

The steps

• Describe the situation using facts only. "We planned to meet at 7 and you arrived at 8."
• Express how you feel about it with "I" statements. "I felt worried and then frustrated."
• Assert what you want, clearly. "I would like a text if you are going to be more than 15 minutes late."
• Reinforce why it helps the other person too. "That way I will not be upset when you arrive and we can enjoy the evening."

And how to carry it:

• Mindful. Stay on your point. If the conversation drifts, calmly repeat your request (the "broken record").
• Appear confident. Steady voice, eye contact if comfortable, no excessive apologising.
• Negotiate. Be willing to give to get. "What would make that easier for you?"

An example script

"Last week you borrowed my car and returned it with an empty tank (Describe). I felt taken for granted (Express). Next time, I would like you to fill it up before returning it (Assert). It means I can keep saying yes when you ask (Reinforce)."

Tips for using it

• Write it out first. Draft each letter before a difficult talk.
• Check Wise Mind to make sure your goal is clear and the timing is right.
• Pair it with GIVE and FAST to protect the relationship and your self-respect.
• Success is not only a yes. Asking skilfully is the win, even if the answer is no.

Practise interpersonal skills in Skillful